News

Life has been tough for me lately. I've had some yucky self-defeating self-talk, I've been lazy, dishonest, and I've indulged in my "other" addictions: spending money and disordered eating.

So a few things have happened since last I blogged.

• Despite agreeing to write to my sponsor every day, three times recently I have not written to her for a couple of days, then wrote and said, "I forgot to write to you yesterday... sorry!" When really I hadn't written for two days. Not honest. Not good.



• Night before last, I heard this on NPR. It scared the crap out of me. I spend more money than my husband wants me to spend; I talk about being on the same page with him, but then I spend money that I know he doesn't want me to. I don't want him to leave me because of my financial habits! Wake. Up. Call.



• My sponsor and I are on a hiatus until January 1 -- her idea. Her email to me talked about how worried I am about making her like me -- I won't share everything she wrote, but I will share what I wrote back to her (with a short quote from her):

I think that a hiatus is a great idea. It feels like our relationship is broken and we need some time apart.

A lot of my old self-defeating self-talk has returned and I haven't shared it with you because it's happening all the time and it bores me. I am sick of my thought processes. I'm sick of feeling hopeful about a step I take in a positive direction, then letting myself down.

Lately I have felt very defensive. I'm afraid to have confidence in my ability to follow through with positive steps because I've failed so much recently. And I find myself holding back on telling you about any hopefulness because -- lately -- I have not felt supported. This part of your letter is an example of that:

"I hope that you will at least find a temporary sponsor for the interim and go to as many meetings as possible. I suspect you will not."

It hurts to hear you predict my failure. Please try to put yourself in my place and imagine how it feels. If we become sponsor/sponsee again, I ask that you stop doing it.

In early sobriety, I knew a woman who was miserable, despite years of sobriety and several AA meetings a week. I remember thinking, "Well, you don't have a sponsor, you don't go to fellowship, you're just sitting on your butt waiting for it to happen to you."

I have become her; today, my moments of happiness happen when I indulge in my other addictions. And I'm risking my sobriety every time I let a day go by when I don't go to a meeting, read recovery material, pray, or meditate. I also risk it when I choose dishonesty or laziness.

Today I went to a noon meeting. It will be the first of many. And I will find a temporary sponsor. I know you care about me; thank you for that. You're in my prayers; please keep me in yours.

My sponsor has freed me to do this thing called "sobriety" for myself. I'm tired of letting stuff happen to me instead of working for it; I'm tired of feeling and acting powerless.

I want to be happy, serene, content.... jubilant!

So I'm no longer powerless.

Come visit my new home: http://jubilantone.blogspot.com/

What's Next, God?

My sponsor and I met on Sunday morning before our home group and had a deep conversation. We talked -- again -- about how I love to shirk responsibility. I enjoy procrastinating, avoiding, etc. I like the mini-high I get when I let myself off the hook for something I should do.

My sponsor told me something new about myself: I don't know who I am without my character defects, without my "other" addictions. These defects -- manipulation, dishonesty, self-doubt, low self-worth -- have always been a part of me and (until my sponsor pointed it out) I thought they were me. Until Sunday, I was convinced that I am manipulative, dishonest, worthless, and just plain bad. In my head, none of this was behavior I chose or defects I reveled in; it is all part and parcel of this thing called me.

Today I am slowly accepting that all of it is a choice. And that the real me is a decent, kind, honest, and lovable person.

Our conversation also led me to a thought that I've had before, but that I haven't let into my consciousness fully: I'm afraid to do God's will because I think I will be bored. Today I recognize that that's a pretty good excuse for not doing God's will. How do I know it will be boring if I've never done it? ::forehead smack::

So on Sunday, Monday, and today, I have been trying something new. I have been asking, "What's next, God?," listening for the answer, and doing it. Progress, not perfection. Sunday, Monday, and today were not perfect examples of how to follow God's will, but they have been days that I have ended in contentment and serenity.

Late Sunday, I realized that I have always thought that following God's will would make everything in my life perfect. If -- for a silly example -- one of my dogs poops on the carpet, it means that God disapproves of what I was doing at the moment my dog pooped. Today I know that's not true. The world is still imperfect and other people are unchangeable. But I can -- with God's help -- change myself. What's next, God?

Thanks for listening. PP

Act Your Way to Thinking!

All this laziness and giving in to my desire to do what I want to do when I want to do it... It hasn't been worth it. I feel crappy about myself and pessimistic about life.

Last night I saw an Intervention episode about this guy named Lawrence who had been forced to become a father to his brothers when he was still a teenager and had later built up a tanning bed empire in Las Vegas. Long story short, he was so self-sufficient that he was unable to admit that he needed help. He died of alcohol-related illness in February of this year.

Lawrence's interventionist talked about how he believed Lawrence needed to act his way into thinking, which would change his feelings.

I heard this before! But last night it hit home. So today, I'm not thinking. I'm just acting. Got up and exercised, just finished making a grocery store list, I'm blogging, then I'll write to my sponsor and head to the grocery store.

Quit thinking so much, Princess! Just act and good things will follow!

Grateful on this chilly, rainy day in Minnesota.

Love, PP

P.S. Rest in peace, Lawrence.

Sponsor's Thoughts

I wrote to my sponsor about the dream described below. Here's her reply:

I just read through your dream(s) again. You are feeling things in the dreams that you relate to drinking consequences, but they can also be consequences of emotional "drunks." Black-outs, not trusting your memory or yourself, feeling "confused, settled, unsure." Those can be the hang-over of any kind of high, including an untreated manic high.

I have certainly had dreams like this, but not nearly as many lately as I used to. The feeling I have in all of them is that I have been lying to myself and people I care about, and it makes me ill. I think your impression of your husband was right on--he's a great husband for you, but he also has pretty much gone along with what you tell him he should. You are feeling the squishiness of being in control of what reality is for you and your husband, and then maybe beginning to doubt the reality you have created. Control issues.

When you were working at the treatment center, you will remember I was concerned about you being in a situation that felt like Program but was not Program. You were in a one-up position in relation to the clients. That you would have to turn to THEM to ask them what is real in your own life? Obviously inappropriate at the very least, but also very scary.

It may be that being back in steps 1,2,3 is making you feel more uncertain, because you are having to face a lot of stuff. Also being in therapy--I can remember when I was in that I started spending a lot of time thinking about what I was telling my therapist, and whether it was TRUE TRUE, or just TRUE IN MY VERSION OF REALITY. It was hard work. You are probably where you need to be. Step 3 is going to ask you one more time let go and let God. You've done it with alcohol--now you have to face it with everything else. You are making great progress. love you--see you Sunday.

I agree with all of her theories. Off the top of my head, there are two things that I still have on my amends list that I have stalled and stalled and stalled on.

1. I still have some DVDs that belong to AA friends who moved to the east coast 2 years ago. I need to send them with a letter of amend.

2. I haven't paid my former therapist for the last session I had with her. I want to send her a check with a note of amend.

Those are two of my goals for this week. Also gotta do some step 2 readings to be ready to speak with my sponsor tomorrow.

Thanks -- once again -- for listening. Love, PP

Tripleoverthink

This is a weird description of dreams I've been having... hope it makes sense. The one word that comes to mind is tripleoverthink.

I have recurring dreams in which I wake up and think, I drank last night. In these dreams, I have a memory of drinking, but I'm unsure, because I have many memories of turning down drinks offered to me. In these dreams, I have a memories of drinking with my husband, saying to myself I'll just have one and sometimes having more than that. (But somehow it was okay because nothing bad happened.) I also wonder how my husband would just watch me drink without protesting or wondering why I was doing it.

When I'm really awake -- like right now -- I know I haven't been drinking. In my dreams, I am confused, unsettled, and unsure. I've had these recurring dreams so often that in a recent dream, I decided to ask people whether I had been drinking.

In today's dream, I came up with a theory: I've been drinking and my brain allows me to forget it, but if I do remember, I think it was a dream.

So in today's dream, I worked at the treatment center again, but it was co-ed. All of the clients were getting on buses to go to the airport. They were flying to San Diego to start their Navy careers on an aircraft carrier. There was a women's bus and a men's bus. I got on the women's bus and rode it to the airport with them. On the way, I stood up and addressed the bus.

"Please be truthful; I just want to know what's really been happening. Has anyone on this bus seen me drinking?"

Three women raised their hands. I asked them, "Please, tell me more."

One of them said, "Well, you had a couple of glasses of wine."

"When?"

"I don't remember... at dinner some night?"

One of the other women said, "Are you sure you're thinking of Princess? I think it might have been Sally."

"It could have been."

All three women nodded in agreement. They couldn't remember me drinking. My plan was to get on the men's bus and ask the same question; I woke up before that happened.

Peanut Butter and Gratitude

Oh my gawrsh I have fallen in love with peanut butter. I've been eating PB&J sandwiches a lot lately and my most recent delicious creation is this:

1. Peel a banana.
2. Spread 1/2 tsp of peanut butter on the end of the banana.
3. Stick an almond on top of the peanut butter.
4. Eat.
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until banana is gone.

And if you don't like the actual ends of the bananas -- I don't like them when they get brown and mushy -- feel free to give them to your puppies. Mine sit very nicely, waiting for me to give them the ends.

Delicious treat!

I think I need another one.

Gratitude List:

• Peanut butter
• Cool evenings
• Breezes
• Sunsets
• Dreams
• Warm puppies who like their bellies rubbed
• My husband, who cracks me up
• The blogosphere
• Oreos with cold milk
• Higher education
• My sponsor
• My grandmother, father, mother, brother, sisters-in-law, brother-in law, nieces, and nephew
• My higher power

Thanks for listening - PP

Feeling the Tug

I listened to one of my mother's AA speaker tapes last night. It was a guy from California named Ken. He told a story about going to a park in San Diego where kids fly kites. It was a foggy day and several of the kids' kites were in the fog above their heads. Ken asked one of the kids how he knew his kite was still there. "I can feel the tug," said the kid.

Ken said that whether we are or are not following our higher power's will, we can "feel the tug" My higher power is constantly reminding me of where I should be going. All I have to do is follow.

I got up this morning and -- for the first time -- followed that daily plan I made for myself. Got up, took the dogs out, exercised, started a load of laundry, wrote to my sponsor, did some cleaning, took care of some crap for my husband, made dinner, and did some schoolwork. Now it's time for bed. And whaddayaknow? I feel pretty darn good about today.

Ken also talked about how change feels "not right." Even if it's change for the better, it still feels weird. And man, did I just want to chuck it all this morning... It felt weird! But I just took a break -- watched 1/2 an episode of CSI NY -- and went back to it. And it was okay!

Life is good, my friends. Hugs - PP